Posted by January Harshe on July 2, 2009
Everyone has been asking for our birth story. I was so excited that I was going to write it all out and post it right away. Every time I opened up a fresh, “add new post” page, I became frozen. When the baby was a few days old, Brandon and I were watching a movie that was kind of emotional. When it ended I began to cry and some feelings came out (this happens a lot post partum!).
I realized that my birth was so special and sacred this time that I can’t just post it, details and all, on a blog for the whole world to read. It was too intimate for that. If you haven’t had a natural childbirth, you may or may not understand. I didn’t before this birth. And I even had a VBA2C last time, but it wasn’t intimate and natural!
So, I apologize if this is a let down. I am going to share how the birth went, but the details and beauty of it I am keeping to myself. If I know you and begin talking to you and feel comfortable sharing details with you, then I will, but not like this…on the internet!
Here is an overview. It still seems like I am sharing a lot, but there was so much more!
My labor was 20 hours long, beginning Tuesday morning at 9 am after nursing my 20 month old. This is very short for me in comparison to my last 2 labors. It was perfect actually. I labored on my own all day. Brandon took care of the kids. I did whatever felt natural. I layed down a lot and rested, ate, went potty, etc. The contractions were about 5 minutes apart all day.
I just relaxed like I had practiced with all the prodromal labor I had for weeks previous. I visualized and practiced positive self talk (to myself.) It was amazing to just give over and relax. My labor was NOT painful at all. It could have been. I really learned with this birth that it is mostly mental. It’s not about tolerating pain, it’s about giving over to the process of birth and having no fear!
Once all the kids were in bed and asleep (about 9 pm), I layed down with Brandon and we rested. I labored between my bedroom like that and in the kitchen leaning over our high counter. I received a text from my friend Tiana and saw it was around midnight. At this point things were picking up more. She was the only person I told I was in labor. A lot of people called me that day actually. I was on their radar! We didn’t want anyone to know we were in labor. Tiana just text me at the right time, I guess, and I felt better after texting with her.
All day I groaned and moaned through my contractions. I was getting a little more vocal and tired in the early hours of the morning. I started to question things. I realized I must be getting close to transition. This is when Brandon’s support really helped. He prayed for me a ton and talked to me and would help center me. This is also when I realizied that I had to COMPLETELY give over so I didn’t stall my labor like the last two times.
I finally got in the tub. After Brandon and I prayed and talked, I mentally went into myself. You know how you see or hear of women being SILENT, that was me!!! I just went into the contractions and after a few of these, my water broke in the tub. It was so cool.
I got out of the tub and was having a hard time relaxing. I was getting shaky and kinda questioning my sanity! LOL. On the flip side of that though, I also told myself that I was in transition. I knew what was going on. I continued to trust in birth, trust in God and trust myself. I believed in my body and knew everything was OK. The baby was moving all throughout my labor (she was high and working herself into a good position) and I never once felt I would need to transfer. What faith!
I got back in the tub and went back into myself. I got silent again. After a while, my feet starting getting numb, so I got on hands and knees and it was INTENSE. I got out of the tub and went potty. All of a sudden the contractions were super intense! I couldn’t continue being silent. I worked really hard to breathe through them, but I was pushing too! I couldn’t believe it because the baby had still been high.
Our 20 month old woke up and she and Brandon watched me as I breathed and pushed. There were only 6-7 contractions like this. After about 3, we felt and her head was in the birth canal. After about 2 more she was crowning and in one more contraction she slid out into Brandon’s waiting hands. I birthed her standing in a half squat. It was amazing. The details of this part are so emotional and beautiful. This was just a quick summary. For this blog though, I will share that we were ecstatic and of course in a “we did it!” excitement. She was purple and took a minute to pink up. She was just so quiet. It was extremely peaceful. Our 20 month old was yelling “BABY! BABY! BABY!” and loved it. Brandon announced she was a girl.
I birthed the placenta easily and we had to work a bit to get my bleeding down. This was the first time my body gave birth with NO INTERFERENCE! I continued to have faith and my body got the hang of it. After getting all cleaned up, Brandon, myself our 20 month old and baby bonded. No one to poke, prod and place fears on us. The older 2 children woke up a few hours after she was born and were so happy we were home. Our oldest cut the cord about 3 hours after the birth (we had promised her she could). Our son was ecstatic because he was right…she was a girl!
It has been an amazing experience, to say the least. Being in my own home with my family and bonding with our new baby has been relaxing. No trauma, no outside interference. Just birth.
Here are Brandon and I just hours after her birth. I have more pictures on my family blog for those of you I know in real life. 
Posted by January Harshe on June 19, 2009
I had someone suggest to me that I plan something as if I’m not pregnant. Like, really plan it down to the details. I said I’d go on a trip with my husband. He said plan it…now! Forget about the birth, put all your energy into planning this trip. Well, I kinda planned two!
We are going away this weekend to see a very good friend of mine who I have not seen in nine years! We talk daily (usually on Facebook…lol) and I miss her. I can not wait to see her and her family. I haven’t met her sweet two year old son yet and she can meet my children as well!
I don’t think many women would take a weekend trip at 42 weeks pregnant! Why not though? I don’t have to be close to an OB or a midwife. No one is pressuring me to induce (natural remedies or not). No one is ‘dropping me’ from care. There isn’t anyone I am allowing to put fears into my mind about it. So, we are packing up and heading out this afternoon! Brandon is totally up for it to. Something other than chiropractic and birth!
So, I’ll pack a bag of birth supplies, let go of the birth even happening and enjoy my weekend with a beautiful friend! Ahhhh…the perks of an unassisted birth! I am ecstatic, because this is so me…to do something spontaneous and crazy. I hope you all have a great weekend as well! When I get back I’ll let you know about mini trip number two.
Posted by January Harshe on June 17, 2009
Last Saturday night I had another birth dream. It was actually fantastic, but there was a part of it that made me dig deeper.
In my dream we had a successful unassisted birth. We were in our apartment and it was so clear. It was just Brandon an myself. The parts about the dream that had me excited were that we had a successful unassisted birth, we had a beautiful baby boy who I saw in detail and there was so much support and love from friends and family. It was very exciting and encouraging!
After waking up and processing the dream further, I realized there was something off. As I was birthing my baby (in the dream), I checked out. At the moment the baby was making its presence into this world and during all the afterbirth, I was passed out in the dream. Brandon had to take care of it all. After the birth, when I came to, I had to ask Brandon the details of what happened, because I missed it all. He told me how and when the placenta was birthed, how he cut and tied of the cord and etc. I told him in my dream that even though that was not ideal, I was so happy he was there because I knew he did everything how I would want him to. Then, I met my baby boy. It was kind of cute because then we weighed him and he was 10 pounds!!!
Why would I not be present for that part of my birth in my dream? After thinking through it, discussing it with my amazingly supportive husband and a really good cry, I realized it was because of the birth trauma from my last 2 births. Birth trauma is real. I don’t think most women (or our society for that matter) either know or recognize it.
With my last pregnancy and birth, I was strong and determined to have a vaginal birth after my previous two c-sections. I labored at home for a very long time. There were many factors as to why I went to the hospital. I won’t get into that now. The point is that my control was stripped from me. Everything was a fight. I was not ‘allowed’ to squat to birth like I wanted, I was threatened with a c-section, I was treated like I didn’t have any say in how I wanted to birth.
The CNM showed up during crowing and started meddling and interfering. She pulled on my baby and helped me tear horribly. The room turned into chaos. There was no place for my husband in the process. Yes, I birthed vaginally. Yes, that was amazing. However, it was masked by the nurses being rough with my baby, with being hooked up to pitocin after the birth without my permission, with the CNM pulling out my placenta and making me bleed out, not to mention the poking and prodding that then occurred for 2 days on my sweet baby.
This was all followed up by a visit from social services because as the CNM put it, “I was making her tired”. Poor thing…she had educated patients that had an opinion and wanted to be informed. The success of our VBA2C was stripped away. I was left with serious birth trauma. I was paranoid about the social services incident (which they of course walked out of the room thinking the whole thing was ridiculous after talking for a few minutes). It left its mark.
With my second birth, my son was taken from me after the c-section. Brandon had to finally put his foot down and tell the nursery nurses after hours that he was taking our baby to his mother! I kept waking up in my room alone and drugged and yelling out, “Where is my baby?!” My son and I had attachment issues for weeks. Through love, co-sleeping, baby wearing and time, luckily that is no longer an issue.
So, I can clearly see why after my birth in my dream I ‘check out’. It’s always been very traumatic for me. Brandon and I discussed all this in detail yesterday and he helped me to realize many things. First of all, I did things perfect. My body did things perfect. Even through everything, I birthed my baby vaginally after 2 cesareans and on my back in a hospital! It was all the outside interference that was the problem. With this birth, there will be NO INTERFERENCE. There won’t be anyone to tell me how how I can or can not do things. No one to poke and prod. No one to try and take control.
Also, I am not a victim and I need to stop being one. Only I can make myself the victim. I am the one that allows others to take control or hurt me.
Brandon also helped me remember that this is my past. It is my thoughts keeping this alive in my present. Those experiences are not happening now. This is a different pregnancy and different birth and I have a say how this goes! I can not live in the future either. There is only NOW! My main fear that I had left to work through in this unassisted pregnancy was the fear that for some reason I would end up back at the hospital. That I would go through this abuse again. Brandon asked me if I knew that could be true and I could only answer, “NO.” There is no way to know that. Why would I need to go to the hospital? As of now, I don’t! Right now, everything is perfect!
I am a perfect daughter of God. It is Satan who wants me to believe otherwise…he wants me to fail. I can choose to have faith, to know my body can birth perfectly with no interference. I know that I am surrounded by all the love and support I need. My birth trauma, while it is real, does not need to be part of this experience. I am blessed to have this opportunity and a wonderful husband to share it with.
