Last Saturday night I had another birth dream. It was actually fantastic, but there was a part of it that made me dig deeper.
In my dream we had a successful unassisted birth. We were in our apartment and it was so clear. It was just Brandon an myself. The parts about the dream that had me excited were that we had a successful unassisted birth, we had a beautiful baby boy who I saw in detail and there was so much support and love from friends and family. It was very exciting and encouraging!
After waking up and processing the dream further, I realized there was something off. As I was birthing my baby (in the dream), I checked out. At the moment the baby was making its presence into this world and during all the afterbirth, I was passed out in the dream. Brandon had to take care of it all. After the birth, when I came to, I had to ask Brandon the details of what happened, because I missed it all. He told me how and when the placenta was birthed, how he cut and tied of the cord and etc. I told him in my dream that even though that was not ideal, I was so happy he was there because I knew he did everything how I would want him to. Then, I met my baby boy. It was kind of cute because then we weighed him and he was 10 pounds!!!
Why would I not be present for that part of my birth in my dream? After thinking through it, discussing it with my amazingly supportive husband and a really good cry, I realized it was because of the birth trauma from my last 2 births. Birth trauma is real. I don’t think most women (or our society for that matter) either know or recognize it.
With my last pregnancy and birth, I was strong and determined to have a vaginal birth after my previous two c-sections. I labored at home for a very long time. There were many factors as to why I went to the hospital. I won’t get into that now. The point is that my control was stripped from me. Everything was a fight. I was not ‘allowed’ to squat to birth like I wanted, I was threatened with a c-section, I was treated like I didn’t have any say in how I wanted to birth.
The CNM showed up during crowing and started meddling and interfering. She pulled on my baby and helped me tear horribly. The room turned into chaos. There was no place for my husband in the process. Yes, I birthed vaginally. Yes, that was amazing. However, it was masked by the nurses being rough with my baby, with being hooked up to pitocin after the birth without my permission, with the CNM pulling out my placenta and making me bleed out, not to mention the poking and prodding that then occurred for 2 days on my sweet baby.
This was all followed up by a visit from social services because as the CNM put it, “I was making her tired”. Poor thing…she had educated patients that had an opinion and wanted to be informed. The success of our VBA2C was stripped away. I was left with serious birth trauma. I was paranoid about the social services incident (which they of course walked out of the room thinking the whole thing was ridiculous after talking for a few minutes). It left its mark.
With my second birth, my son was taken from me after the c-section. Brandon had to finally put his foot down and tell the nursery nurses after hours that he was taking our baby to his mother! I kept waking up in my room alone and drugged and yelling out, “Where is my baby?!” My son and I had attachment issues for weeks. Through love, co-sleeping, baby wearing and time, luckily that is no longer an issue.
So, I can clearly see why after my birth in my dream I ‘check out’. It’s always been very traumatic for me. Brandon and I discussed all this in detail yesterday and he helped me to realize many things. First of all, I did things perfect. My body did things perfect. Even through everything, I birthed my baby vaginally after 2 cesareans and on my back in a hospital! It was all the outside interference that was the problem. With this birth, there will be NO INTERFERENCE. There won’t be anyone to tell me how how I can or can not do things. No one to poke and prod. No one to try and take control.
Also, I am not a victim and I need to stop being one. Only I can make myself the victim. I am the one that allows others to take control or hurt me.
Brandon also helped me remember that this is my past. It is my thoughts keeping this alive in my present. Those experiences are not happening now. This is a different pregnancy and different birth and I have a say how this goes! I can not live in the future either. There is only NOW! My main fear that I had left to work through in this unassisted pregnancy was the fear that for some reason I would end up back at the hospital. That I would go through this abuse again. Brandon asked me if I knew that could be true and I could only answer, “NO.” There is no way to know that. Why would I need to go to the hospital? As of now, I don’t! Right now, everything is perfect!
I am a perfect daughter of God. It is Satan who wants me to believe otherwise…he wants me to fail. I can choose to have faith, to know my body can birth perfectly with no interference. I know that I am surrounded by all the love and support I need. My birth trauma, while it is real, does not need to be part of this experience. I am blessed to have this opportunity and a wonderful husband to share it with.
Wow. OK, where am I at? I ate all raw for 4 days. I was loving it. I had made a decision and had no problem sticking to it this time. I have bigger goals in mind to worry about not eating cooked food. So, what happened?
I love being a mom. I adore my children. They are a blessing from God and I am grateful every day that they chose me to be their mother. With motherhood comes many responsibilities as you know. Right now one of my responsibilities is feeding my newborn baby girl. Before going raw, Annabelle (she is 3 months old now!) slept really well through the night. She usually wakes up once or twice to nurse and then drifts back to sleep. The four days I was raw, she was up ALL night snacking and not able to get satisfied and back into a deep sleep. Also, I pump extra breast milk for a friend’s baby. As she says, it’s usually like cream. I make super power milk! While I was eating all raw, though, my pumped milk was very light in color and more of a water consistency. I also was making less milk. My baby was not getting what she was used to.
I spoke to another friend about it. He is very knowledgeable about nutrition and eating a raw diet itself. We talked about what I was eating. He pointed out how I was not eating grains, oats or lentils. These foods, in his opinion, are necessary for sustainability and health. I was not prepared to sprout and eat these foods raw. I was just going to not eat them for now and work my way up to that. So, I either had to find a way to get them now or eat them cooked. I decided that I would introduce some cooked food that day and see what happened. After having Ezekiel bread with lunch and a falafel pita at dinner (along with the other raw food I ate that day), my supply went up. Also, my pumped milk was creamy again and Annabelle slept normal that night (thank goodness). Coincidence, you ask yourself? Maybe. I don’t think so. Everything changed with me changing what I ate when I started all raw and when I ate some cooked foods. I do want to say that this does not happen to all breast feeding moms. This was my experience and mine alone. It was based on what I was eating and may be different if eating other raw foods.
So, back to the responsibilities of motherhood. I am not privileged at this time to make selfish decisions. Decisions just for me that don’t effect others. What I eat right now has a direct effect on my baby. This is actually one of the reasons I wanted to eat all raw. So Annabelle could be getting the best breast milk possible. I can not be in a state of detox ( I was) and not making enough milk. It just won’t work. I was totally bummed. For once I was really doing this. I was not looking for any excuses to stop. Something out of my control came up.
I would like to look into sprouting beans, grains and lentils. Also, Alissa Cohen sells raw oats. If I can be more prepared and have these foods on hand, then maybe it would work. My breast milk supply and make up may not be negatively effected. I wonder if part of the reason there was a change was also because not enough calories. I was eating as much as I could though being on all raw. Obviously, I would have to go about an all raw diet differently than I did.
So, this morning I decided that doesn’t mean I have to eat a SAD (Standard American Diet). I (and my baby) can still benefit from a high raw diet with some cooked grains, beans, lentils and oats. I do have to admit though, this morning I had to consciously tell myself, "January eat a raw breakfast. This is not an excuse to eat crap". So, with it on my mind, I ate raw and cooked today. I am still going to pay attention to how I feel eating both.
I still feel a vegan all raw diet, is the superior way to eat. I am looking forward to getting myself there again. In the meantime I am going to enjoy the health benefits of eating a lot of raw food and the pleasure benefit of eating the cooked foods I love.
So What Did I Eat Today?
Fresh orange and carrot juice and a banana for breakfast made in Jack La Lanne juicer
An apple and raw cheese for snack
Jasmine rice (probably 2 cups cooked) with soy sauce for lunch (the rice cooker is great)
Cut up slices of cucumber and raw cheese for snack
Jasmine rice with soy sauce and Bragg’s dressing
Pasta with organic sauce and roasted tomatoes (olive oil, garlic, basil, oregano, sea salt)
I had raw fruits, veggies and cheese today along with rice, pasta and cooked tomatoes. I don’t know what the percentages are of raw and cooked. I did feel good today. I love jasmine rice. I know it’s not brown rice, but I just love it. I think the biggest challenge for me is to make sure to still get in high raw even though I’m eating cooked as well.
I want to take this blog in a new direction. I am going to bring information about all types of health related topics. I am going to finish my birth stories and get support and information for VBAC moms! I am going to have an international cuisine category. I love culture, traditions and food. I want to bring some of that here! We will continue to write articles about food, thoughts and personal development. Let’s not forget that I will continue to get healthy and in shape in the process!
My first child was born September 5th, 2003 via elective cesarean. See, when I was about 36 weeks pregnant and planning a birth center birth, I felt I needed an ultrasound. Listening to my intuition, I had one and found out my baby girl was breech. This was after four midwives told me she was head down. I was devastated I did not know much about breech babies and how it would effect a natural vaginal birth. I started to research and found that she was in a "good" breech position, being frank breech. After calming down, I decided to try whatever I could (with knowledge I had at the time) to get her to turn. I did handstands in the pool, rocked on hands and knees, massaged my belly in a rotating motion, and even stayed with chiropractors in Phoenix (I lived in Tucson at the time) for a few weeks on their son’s race car bed. I stayed with them so that every other day Dr. Ramsey could give me an adjustment and do Webster’s Technique. In the meantime at 39 weeks pregnant my husband and I decided to move from Tucson to Phoenix due to other circumstances. I had to find a provider and find one fast. Being that I had a breech baby, my options were limited. Luckily I found Dr. Foley who delivered my chiropractor’s babies. I had to get past the office staff and talk to him directly about not just doing a c-section. He agreed to see me.
Finally, at 39 weeks, I chose to have an external cephalic version (ECV) to try to get our baby girl to turn. Another doctor in the practice performed the "procedure". I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this, because of possible complications, but I really did not want a cesarean section. I was desperate. After the doctor and intern tried to turn her clockwise, the doctor said he would try one more time and then he was calling it quits. He did not want to hurt her. They decided to try counterclockwise this time. With the doctor on her head and the intern on her bum they pulled and pushed until veins were bulging in their arms. This time I jumped and screamed it hurt so bad. She was stuck and was not going to move!
I had just joined the LDS church and when we moved, we attended our new ward. I had a blessing that day by a Priesthood holder with my husband and a few other men, along with a girlfriend. During this blessing, the Lord answered me and calmed my mind and lifted my burden. I knew that for some reason my baby was breech, wasn’t going to turn and vaginal birth was not an option. I kept this to myself. I was at peace.
My husband and I went in to see Dr. Foley a few days past 39 weeks. He was very understanding of everything we were trying to do to turn her. He also was okay with me waiting to go into labor and giving her time to turn. He offered his opinion. He did not think, with everything I had already tried, that she was going to turn. Nowadays, this would upset me, but at the time I already knew it to be true in my heart. He was worried as well that if we waited, one of the other 16 doctors in his practice would attend our birth, instead of him. We went over our wonderful birth plans (vaginal birth, c-section birth, and care of baby) and he agreed to everything. He had us sign them and he signed them as well (and later made sure to give to the nursing staff). He suggested we go over to the hospital and have her that day! My husband turned white and his eyes bulged out of his head. He was not ready! LOL. To this day he says he wished he could have just gotten one more great night of sleep before having children. I told them both I already knew it was going to happen and had my bags packed in the trunk of the car. My husband, was like, "Huh?". Dr. Foley said great!
We went over to the hospital, called a few family members and friends, and were soon prepped for the surgery. I was nervous when receiving my spinal, but then Dr. Foley came in and helped me. I calmed down. Brandon was prepping still. When I was put in the surgery room as I call it, they tried strapping down both my arms. Well, because of the crap they had already begun giving me, I was throwing up. Being numb from the chest down and throwing up is a bad combination. I felt like I was going to choke to death. All I could do was turn my head and puke into a little bin. I pulled my arms out of the straps, because that just wasn’t going to work for me!
Just as I started to panic, Brandon came into the room. His presence made all the difference. We were about to have our first baby. He had run down to the gift shop and bought this cheesy disposable camera to take pictures.
Then they began the surgery. I could tell because I could smell the burning of my flesh as they cut me with their laser. It was interesting because the doctor had a hard time getting her out at first. He said she really was stuck in there! After a few minutes, Tatum Elaine was born. She came out wide-eyed looking around the room at all the bright lights and after a minute (seemed like 10) she let out a cry. He brought her to us first (like we asked). She was then handed over to the pediatric team. Our doctor made sure she was not given any eye gel or shots, etc. They did put a tube down her throat to get out any mucus since her lungs were not squeezed like in a vaginal birth. Poor baby. Finally, she was handed over to us.
We specifically put in our birth plan that she was never to leave our side, and she didn’t! The nursing staff didn’t know what to think, because never before had a baby stayed with a mom in the transition room after a c-section. HA! It was great. We stayed a few days while I healed and the staff was respectful of our wishes for the most part. It was tiring though, because they were constantly coming in and wanting to check everything. I know it’s their job, but come on, I need sleep! Tatum stayed in our room the whole stay and we began to bond right away.
Healing from this surgery was not as bad as it could have been. I had to get up and walk right away of course. I used a pillow over my abdomen because it felt like my incision would come open and my insides would fall out! It was painful. I did not want to be on drugs. By the time I got home, I was off the prescription pain pills and a few days later done with Tylenol. I was getting adjustments at the chiropractor and had positive thoughts. I knew that I could have a VBAC next time and I wasn’t going to beat myself down.
Overall, for a cesarean section, the experience was as good as it could have been. I’m thankful for prayer, the Lord, a great doctor and a detailed birth plan! I was enjoying motherhood and looked forward to a home birth for my next birth.
