Working Through Birth Trauma Via A Dream
Posted by January Harshe on June 17, 2009
Last Saturday night I had another birth dream. It was actually fantastic, but there was a part of it that made me dig deeper.
In my dream we had a successful unassisted birth. We were in our apartment and it was so clear. It was just Brandon an myself. The parts about the dream that had me excited were that we had a successful unassisted birth, we had a beautiful baby boy who I saw in detail and there was so much support and love from friends and family. It was very exciting and encouraging!
After waking up and processing the dream further, I realized there was something off. As I was birthing my baby (in the dream), I checked out. At the moment the baby was making its presence into this world and during all the afterbirth, I was passed out in the dream. Brandon had to take care of it all. After the birth, when I came to, I had to ask Brandon the details of what happened, because I missed it all. He told me how and when the placenta was birthed, how he cut and tied of the cord and etc. I told him in my dream that even though that was not ideal, I was so happy he was there because I knew he did everything how I would want him to. Then, I met my baby boy. It was kind of cute because then we weighed him and he was 10 pounds!!!
Why would I not be present for that part of my birth in my dream? After thinking through it, discussing it with my amazingly supportive husband and a really good cry, I realized it was because of the birth trauma from my last 2 births. Birth trauma is real. I don’t think most women (or our society for that matter) either know or recognize it.
With my last pregnancy and birth, I was strong and determined to have a vaginal birth after my previous two c-sections. I labored at home for a very long time. There were many factors as to why I went to the hospital. I won’t get into that now. The point is that my control was stripped from me. Everything was a fight. I was not ‘allowed’ to squat to birth like I wanted, I was threatened with a c-section, I was treated like I didn’t have any say in how I wanted to birth.
The CNM showed up during crowing and started meddling and interfering. She pulled on my baby and helped me tear horribly. The room turned into chaos. There was no place for my husband in the process. Yes, I birthed vaginally. Yes, that was amazing. However, it was masked by the nurses being rough with my baby, with being hooked up to pitocin after the birth without my permission, with the CNM pulling out my placenta and making me bleed out, not to mention the poking and prodding that then occurred for 2 days on my sweet baby.
This was all followed up by a visit from social services because as the CNM put it, “I was making her tired”. Poor thing…she had educated patients that had an opinion and wanted to be informed. The success of our VBA2C was stripped away. I was left with serious birth trauma. I was paranoid about the social services incident (which they of course walked out of the room thinking the whole thing was ridiculous after talking for a few minutes). It left its mark.
With my second birth, my son was taken from me after the c-section. Brandon had to finally put his foot down and tell the nursery nurses after hours that he was taking our baby to his mother! I kept waking up in my room alone and drugged and yelling out, “Where is my baby?!” My son and I had attachment issues for weeks. Through love, co-sleeping, baby wearing and time, luckily that is no longer an issue.
So, I can clearly see why after my birth in my dream I ‘check out’. It’s always been very traumatic for me. Brandon and I discussed all this in detail yesterday and he helped me to realize many things. First of all, I did things perfect. My body did things perfect. Even through everything, I birthed my baby vaginally after 2 cesareans and on my back in a hospital! It was all the outside interference that was the problem. With this birth, there will be NO INTERFERENCE. There won’t be anyone to tell me how how I can or can not do things. No one to poke and prod. No one to try and take control.
Also, I am not a victim and I need to stop being one. Only I can make myself the victim. I am the one that allows others to take control or hurt me.
Brandon also helped me remember that this is my past. It is my thoughts keeping this alive in my present. Those experiences are not happening now. This is a different pregnancy and different birth and I have a say how this goes! I can not live in the future either. There is only NOW! My main fear that I had left to work through in this unassisted pregnancy was the fear that for some reason I would end up back at the hospital. That I would go through this abuse again. Brandon asked me if I knew that could be true and I could only answer, “NO.” There is no way to know that. Why would I need to go to the hospital? As of now, I don’t! Right now, everything is perfect!
I am a perfect daughter of God. It is Satan who wants me to believe otherwise…he wants me to fail. I can choose to have faith, to know my body can birth perfectly with no interference. I know that I am surrounded by all the love and support I need. My birth trauma, while it is real, does not need to be part of this experience. I am blessed to have this opportunity and a wonderful husband to share it with.
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Brandon Harshe said,
Thanks for the compliments. Like I said before, you will do a great job with NO INTERFERENCE!
Karen Hodson said,
You will do awesome! I am inspired by your strength. God is always with us and he will help you through anything. I can’t wait to read about how it all went.
Kristina Powell said,
January,
I hope you don’t mind me commenting…you don’t even know me! I linked to your blog through my friend Tiana. And I just wanted to thank you for your comments and your honesty. You have helped me understand what I have been going through. I delivered my 4th baby in December. My first two were born in Utah at a small hospital with awesome nurse midwives. They let me experience the births in the way that I wanted. My third was born in Finland, where they also have midwives as the norm. It was amazing. She was there to guide me but let me and my husband do what we wanted, how we wanted. Then the 4th. I thought since I had the experience I would be ok in whatever setting (I wasn’t thinking…I was just going with the flow). We live overseas so we decided to go back to NC where I could be with my parents and family for a change. NC has horrible laws with respect to midwives and birth options, etc. I really thought everything would still be fine… after all of my great experiences, what could go wrong?! (If only I had known!) The doctors were great in the office (a welcome relief to the medical stuff in the country I am living!) Well, as you can imagine, it didn’t go well. So as not to bore you, I found myself, weeks after, ‘haunted’ by my experience. I still was able to have a ‘normal’ delivery without meds but it was so different. So out of my control. So sad. (All I could think of as I was pushing was that I wanted to deliver before the doctor could be there! Instead of focusing on the excitement of meeting my baby.) Feeling during and after, that my body had failed. Wondering what went wrong…how I could have made it better. The Lord helped me find peace. But you have helped my understand that what I experienced was not me failing. That there is something called ‘birth trauma’ and it happened to me. Just knowing this has helped me tremendously.
I also prefer to weather our own illnesses,etc without a doctor’s help. I am actually terrified of doctors (especially in other countries) so I tend to avoid them like the plague. People think I am so bizarre so I don’t talk about it. I am very interested in the type of chiropractic care you and your husband talk about and will be looking into it. Thanks again for what you are doing…it is making a difference in others’ lives.
It is funny to me that I have to check on your blog daily to see how you are and if there are any updates. I don’t even know you. But I do know that the Lord puts people in our lives, if even only for moments, to help us, guide us, strengthen us… thank you. I hope for the very best for you and your family. I look forward to hearing about your experience!
Thanks again!
Kristina
April said,
you are amazing! you will be fine and do great! U inspire me!!
January said,
Kristina,
Any friend of Tiana’s is a friend of mine! And of course I don’t mind you commenting. Your comment gives me strength as well. It is a wonderful think that we can help and uplift each other!
I decided to blog about my experiences and be as honest as possible to become more confident in my decisions, but also to say, “HEY, LISTEN UP, LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS!” As women, we need to be more supportive when it comes to birth and motherhood. Isn’t it sad that I have only seen one vaginal birth…my own…my entire life? Think how normal and UNtraumatic birth would be to us if we saw our mother’s, neighbors, aunts, etc giving birth!
I am happy you are reading so that you can realize it’s nothing you did wrong. Your body knows how to birth and is perfect. And thank you for sharing your experience. I think it shows that even an ‘experienced’ birther such as yourself can still have a traumatic birth if control is given over. Birth can be the most beautiful, empowering thing for a women. Unfortunately, in our society, the doctors want that for themselves and take it from women.
Please do look into Upper Cervical Chiropractic. If there is not one in your area, try to find a good solid chiropractor!
Thanks again Kristina, your comment brought me to tears and uplifted me today!
January said,
Brandon, I love you!
Karen, glad you found your way over here and I’m going to go check your blog! Thank you!
April, you rock and thanks for your support. Love ya girl!
Jennifer said,
so I posted a comment….did you not put it up?? hmmm maybe i did it wrong
January said,
Jen,
Once in a while I don’t get them. Brandon posted one last night and I never got it. Argh! Write it again, b/c I want to read your thoughts!
Jennifer said,
I must not have pressed the post button because my other one is there. Anywhoo…it was a really good post, but now i cant remember everything I put…except the part about how I remember you waking up in your hospital bed and bolting up looking for your baby…it was nuts!!! If that didn’t stem from some trauma…i don’t know what would.
Satan uses our fear to cripple us hun!!! Stay strong and when the fears come…yell(literally) out to the Lord to absorb them for you and to be your shield and your strength.
I think I want this homebirth for you guys as much as you do…if thats possible…LOL!!!
(((((big hugs))))
Tiana said,
Oh I am so glad that you shared this dream and that you and Kristina have met. Wahoo for awesome friends.
Love ya
Henny said,
RYC: I totally understand! I’m stalking you daily and thinking of you often. you have all my sympathy as I just went through all of this stuff (as you know!)
(((hugs))) I’m always just an email away!
Adrienne said,
Wow…just wow. January, you so impress and amaze me!
Carrie said,
January, what an amazing dream! Thanks for blogging about it and birth trauma. So many people don’t believe it exists, and it is so good to feel validated!
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