Anxiety Of An Upcoming Birth
Posted by January Harshe on May 20, 2009
I think this is normal no matter what kind of birth you are planning. I had a very intense week (last week) of nesting that ended in me having an overwhelming feeling that this baby is going to be here very soon.
It was a hard week to go through these emotions (both mentally and physically). Brandon had part lV boards. Our week revolved around this test(s). He had to be studying and it seems like it’s all we talked about! In the meantime I moved our whole apartment, threw out a bunch of crap and reorganized. I didn’t ask help with anything because I knew what he had on his plate and I wanted to be supportive. By this last weekend I was exhausted. Instead of being able to focus on what I wanted to, I was a single mom. That is what did me in.
Monday morning I let it all out (at Brandon of course). Tons of feelings coming up and out (at him). It all ended with me in a panic with some hardcore sobbing and not able to catch my breath (in the bathroom of course…I am always crying and praying in the bathroom)! I realized it all came down to me having an overwhelming feeling of the birth being right here. I can feel it in my soul. It is so close. I am not nervous about anything specific. Just overall. I felt like there are things I still needed to do to prepare (and needed Brandon to do now that our whole lives don’t revolve around his school).
After a good prayer and talking to my hubby more, I feel much better. We were able to connect and get to the core of what I was truly feeling. It has taken the past 3 days to get to this point. I need to hear how Brandon is feeling about the birth as well. I need to know why he is confident, what his vision of our birth is and his faith in me. I need him to get on a soap box with me and talk about how birth is in our country and how we want it to be for us. I need all of this from him and with him, because it is the only thing I have to deflect everything else that is coming at me surrounding birth.
I think most people mean well. They talk about their births, their fears, ask me questions, give opinions and tell of birth stories or things going wrong. I filter as much as I can, but it is EVERYWHERE and in EVERYONE. What is ‘it’ I am talking about? FEAR, misguidance, not being educated on choices, little faith in the body of a women and the birth process. I don’t think people necessarily see it as these things, but they all come down to one of them (mostly fear). I can recognize and appreciate everyone being on their own journey. However, I need my way to not let it effect me. This is where I need my husband.
After us talking, yelling, crying and talking more, we got to the bottom of this. Brandon doesn’t feel he needs to read any books to know me. I need to know that he feels this way! I need him to answer me with more than “Fine” or “I have confidence in you” when I ask about our upcoming birth. What I need to hear is what he told me today (I won’t go into detail, but it was amazing). It was a heartfelt testimony of his faith in me and birth. He shared how he envisioned our birth in detail. He went on to talk about birth in our country, his feelings about it and how we are going to have an amazing experience that most unfortunately do not have. These things are my shield, my support, and what I need right now! Thank you honey for finally ‘getting it’. Stay on your soap box, because I am listening! It’s you and me babe.
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Sarah said,
I am so excited for you. It will be wonderful. It will be different than any of your other experiences and in a wonderful way. I am so excited that you are getting to experience birth this way. I will e-mail you.
Sarah
Destiny said,
Hey January-
I’m am happy I found your blog! I love reading about natural birth, it is such a wonderfully powerful spiritual experience. There is nothing like it in the whole world.
My birth with Maddie was so eye opening and I grew so much in so many ways, I wish everyone could have that experience! Here is that birth story if you want to read it;
http://lesueur-lifeandlove.blogspot.com/2008/08/madelyns-birth.html
I too had a panic attack a couple days before she arrived. There were LOTS of circumstances involved, but in the end it was beautiful and I hope I can do it again! It’s too bad you couldn’t find a midwife you were comfortable with, I think it mostly takes some weight off the hubby to have someone else taking care of all that ’stuff!’
oh, and here is a poem that I really liked and read a million times as an affirmation in the weeks prior to her birth…
I am a willow tree,
Strong, yet fluid
graceful.
I can bend with the wind,
but my roots are tough,
indestructible.
Opening to birth my child
is flowing with the wind:
from a soft and gentle breeze
to a stormy gale
back to a soft and gentle
breeze.
My body is strong, but
flexible.
It is my friend, it knows how to open.
I am a friend to my body
eating well, walking, and loving myself.
I shall birth safely, freely, openly . . .
among my loved and trusted
ones.
I am the willow, flexible
beautiful resilient
endowed with the power of
surrender
to the wind rustling through
my leaves,
my branches.
My roots reach deep into
Mother Earth
Anchored in Her strength
I bring forth life
In joy!
~Author Unknown
Good luck!
January said,
Sarah, thank you for the positive support. It helps more than you know. Also, thanks for the emails.
Destiny…I am glad you found my blog too! I am very happy you had such a wonderful (home) birth experience. I wish that for every woman!
By the way…Brandon was more wanting an UC and no midwife than me! LOL. But, that is Brandon…he is totally comfortable without a midwife here.
That poem is absolutely beautiful! I am going to print it and read it. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing it with me.
Brandon Harshe said,
And I like it like that. Just you and me.
Tiana said,
You are awesome! Thank you for being such an awesome and inspiring friend…..love what you wrote! Love it!
Sarah said,
Fear comes at us all. Just use it for good and let it guide you to a peaceful place.
January said,
Thanks everyone for the supportive comments!
Carrie said,
January, the other day I was flipping through channels and came upon TLC’s “baby hour” which is usually a birth fright fest, but amazingly it was different. I was stunned to see a woman giving birth, peacefully and naturally in a birthing center with everyone encouraging and there was no fear at all. I wonder how many women saw that and thought “could I have that kind of experience?” Your attitude, experience and openness WILL change people’s perceptions, even if it takes time.
Mani said,
You are bold and strong, healthy and capable, and you have a great guy by your side. All is as it should be.
January said,
Carrie, I’m surprised you saw that too! I stopped watching those shows a long time ago…they just upset me, ykwim? That is wonderful they aired that kind of birth!!! Thank you for your compliments. I think it’s the openness that is the hardest for many ppl who do things against the mainstream. But if we don’t speak up and have a voice, then how will we ever be heard?!
Mani, thanks for letting me know you are still here and rooting for me. Love you!
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